Skulduggery Pleasant One-Liners

I’m placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don’t know, possibly littering.

– Skulduggery Pleasant

Skulduggery: What would killing the Elders result in?
Valkyrie: Panic? Fear? Three empty parking spaces in the Sanctuary?

– Skulduggery Pleasant

I woke up, a bag of bones. Literally. They had gathered up my bones and put them in a bag and thrown the bag into a river.

– Skulduggery Pleasant

If you hear any screaming, that’ll be me.

– Skulduggery Pleasant

Serpine: You have caused me so much trouble over the years detective. It’s almost a shame to end it
Skulduggery: You’re surrendering?

– Skulduggery Pleasant


Valkyrie: Was it a test? I mean, I know I’m still new to this. I’m still the rookie. Did you hang back to test me, to see if I’d be able to handle it alone?
Skulduggery: Well, kind of. Actually, no, nothing like that. My shoelace was untied. That’s why I was late. That’s why you were alone.
Valkyrie: I could have been killed because you were tying your SHOELACE?
Skulduggery: An untied shoelace an be dangerous, I could have tripped.

She stared at him. A moment dragged by.

Skulduggery: I’m joking.
Valkyrie: Really?
Skulduggery: Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I’m far too graceful

– Playing with Fire

Valkyrie: Have you killed anyone?
Scrapgrace: What? Did you miss what I said, about turning murder into
an art form?
Valkyrie: But you haven’t actually killed anyone yet, have you? I read
your file.
Scrapgrace: Technically, yeah, all right, maybe I haven’t

– Playing with Fire


Honesty is, honestly, the best policy. But when honesty doesn’t work, lie, and lie convincingly.

– Saracen Rue, The Dying of the Light


“Of course I want to kill you. I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to.”

– Skulduggery Pleasant, Kingdom of the Wicked


Stephanie: What was wrong with the door? You could have just come down the stairs and walked out the door. Why did you have to jump out of the window?
Skulduggery: You know why
Axle: Why did he do that? Why?
Stephanie: Because doors are for people with no imagination.

– The Dying of the Light


“It would be fun. I like kicking Wreath in the face. I haven’t had a chance to do it nearly as much as I’d like.”

– Skulduggery Pleasant, Mortal Coil


Nye: Clarabelle…Clarabelle… You worked as Kenspeckle Grouse’s assistant, did you not?’
Clarabelle: One of the. He fired all the others.
Nye: But not you?
Clarabelle: He fired me on the second day, but I kept coming in. I had nowhere else to go.
Nye: And then you killed him.
Clarabelle: Yes.
Nye: A Remnant squirmed inside you, and you killed Kenspeckle Grouse.
Clarabelle: Yes.
Nye: You’re hired. But I have warn you, if you try to kill me, I will dissect you and sing along to your screams.
Clarabelle: Can I have Mondays off?
Nye: You may.

– Death Bringer


Tanith: Serpine is used to the Elders taking forever to make their calm, thought-out decisions. So he won’t be expecting anything as amazingly rash and reckless as this.
Ghastly: That’ll teach him to underestimate stupid people.

– Skulduggery Pleasant


Serpine: No, my old enemy, I think for the moment anyway, we’re all alone. And you have something I want.
Skulduggery: A winning sense of style?

– Skulduggery Pleasant


Skulduggery: It would be a tad redudant to encourage you to hurry up, wouldn’t it? Whatever you do, do not fall over. Falling over, I think, would be the wrong move to make at this moment
Valkyrie: Hate…
Skulduggery: Yes?
Valkyrie: Hate… You…
Skulduggery: Breathe some more air, the lack of oxygen is making you delirious.

– Playing with Fire

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